The French Driving Code: Week Two

So, those of you of a certain age who (also!) have an American driver’s license probably remember the simplicity of the process. You study the little booklet which is between 50 and 100 pages depending on the state, do the eye test, sit down for the written test and then stand in line for ages to do the practical exam. All very straight forward. Things like, turn your headlights on so you don’t kill the lady with the dog. Unless you’re in Texas or Florida where there are exemptions if you kill an illegal immigrant or minorities (or women trying to access birth control)

Is this a NO U TURN SIGN? I think it is, yes ma’am.

Now the French driving code is 300 pages of small print. And questions like:

The sun is setting and it’s a beautiful day. It’s 20 degrees outside and you’re going to eat truite amandine for dinner with a bottle of Venetian Pinot Grigio. Do you:

A) Turn on the windmill strapped to your rooftop before you turn on your headlights because you’ve taken Pascal’s Wager and if god does exist, he will punish you if you don’t save the planet?

B) Park where you are and just leave the car there because Montaigne believed humans had a dangerous overconfidence in what they think they know?

C) Do anything you want; because Voltaire believed in the autonomy and freedom of the individual?

D) Drive your car at maximum speed into the nearest wall because you’re a Sartrean Existentialist and forgot to take your anti-depressants?

Comic license aside, I’m being forced to learn about eco-conduite, or ecological driving. When do I intend to drive ecologically? NEVER. EVER. I like big, old, comfortable cars that take up space and use obscene amounts of fuel. When Mike and I met I had a Jaguar that had not one, but two fuel tanks.

Am I going to park illegally? Probably. Overuse the clutch? Certainly. Honk my horn in town? Mwahahahahaha. Do I want a car with a START/STOP mechanism? Jesus Christ, no. Every time the motor stopped in the car that belongs to the auto-ecole, I reached for the key. And what in the world has happened to brakes in the past decade or so? So sensitive that the car stops if you blow cigarette smoke at the pedal. By the way, if someone smokes in a car with a child present you get fined! Back when I was a child, making seatbelts obligatory was hugely controversial. Adults smoked with the windows closed while children mixed cocktails for them on the front seat. I still remember my French grandmother in the car saying: light me a cigarette, but don’t inhale! I must’ve been seven or eight. Spoiler: I inhaled. 

But alas, rules are rules and in France they love rules. Today is my fifth session at the auto-ecole and I’m looking forward to it. I’ve got to say, if your first language wasn’t French, an auto-ecole is absolutely necessary. There’s a huge amount of specific terms that it would take ages to learn without specialist teachers (both in class and on the road). Don’t waste time trying to wing it, just sit down and let yourself be guided by experts.

By the way, Mike is about to go out to pick up the new (to us) car I chose. It’s classically attractive and in gorgeous condition. I also think it matches the house well. It’s got un-ecological leather seats and runs on old fashioned gasoline. I plan to have the air-conditioning on while the top is open in an act of rebellion against the state.