My Mazamet

Life at № 42

Experimentations in Shallow Breathing

We watched Call Me by Your Name today. Undoubtedly the film of the year. It’s only going to be released in France in February, so it was excellent to see it before. I love having/doing things that other people can’t have/do. When I was a boy and my mother would go out in the afternoon and return with treats for my brother and me (pastries or some such,) I’d hide mine and watch him eat his; then about an hour or so later I’d bring mine out and tell him I’d been given two. Because mother liked me more. His horrified expression brought me enormous pleasure. He fell for it every time. I digress. The film is outstanding. The performances superb. One can almost smell Italy in summertime – and fortunately for all I don’t mean Venice. It brought out all sorts of emotions in me, as a good film should.

The second place for me this year is Brad’s Status. The story of a man taking his son to visit colleges – and everything that process triggers in his mind. An examination of his sense of self, his place in the world and his self-worth/perceived value. Very interesting to me personally as another middle aged man trying to figure out what one does once one reaches the middle of the road. I often wake up at night and wonder – have I done it right? Have I made the right decisions? What if I wasn’t meant to be me, and instead I should have been a news anchor in North Korea wearing pretty kimonos?

But of course I don’t get to enthusiastically announce hydrogen bomb tests, rather, I stare at bottles and think yes, or no. No, or yes? It’s the holidays, so I decided moderation can be set aside for the time being. Or perhaps forever. I’m not entirely sure about the concept anyway.

A few days ago I went to see the completed work on apartment 3 (in building I). I’m pleased. As rentals go in that price bracket here, it stacks up very nicely. That’s the last of the apartments that needed work. This means the project is more or less tied up.

Mike doesn’t want to do the transformation of the atelier.  He says, rightfully, that we need neither more work nor more income. That now we should sit back and relax. Enjoy life a bit.

Mike says the young man in Call Me by Your Name reminded him of young me. I suppose he means an emotionally manipulative know it all. It’s true. I was however more intense. Nearly desperate. Determined to make someone love me. I hadn’t been capable of that as a child, so success was very high on my list of priorities. I’ve only ever managed that trick once, though.

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34 comments on “Experimentations in Shallow Breathing

  1. foolsmusings
    December 27, 2017

    Oddly enough I call my boyfriend by my name all the time and he calls me by his. We’ll save a fortune in monogrammed towels

    Liked by 1 person

  2. acflory
    December 27, 2017

    Being loved, warts and all. I think that’s something we all want. I don’t think I’ve hit the jackpot even once so consider yourself lucky. :p

    Liked by 1 person

    • The Pink Agendist
      December 27, 2017

      aaaahhhh, but you’ve had children and experienced familial love 😉

      Like

      • acflory
        December 28, 2017

        Very true, but some of my children have four legs, as do yours. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  3. john zande
    December 27, 2017

    I WANT to have dinner with that N Korean anchor.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Steve Ruis
    December 28, 2017

    In the U.S. we don’t need experiments in breathing to become shallow; we come by it naturally. :o)

    Liked by 3 people

  5. jim-
    December 28, 2017

    Relaxing is good. Remember anything worth doing is worth doing later

    Liked by 1 person

  6. davidprosser
    December 28, 2017

    Once can often be enough.
    Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  7. coteetcampagne
    December 28, 2017

    I do hope Mike isn’t likely to read your last comment!
    Or, he is as inherently kind, supportive, pragmatic and stoic as he appears to be and would cheerfully ignore such an inference!

    You intrigue me vastly Mr PA; I see no indication of the person you present yourself as in this blog in the actual person we met recently.
    I think you either hide it well or……

    BTW, Mr Amazon.fr has finally brought the particular gilding paints I have been hunting down over here.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The Pink Agendist
      December 28, 2017

      I didn’t mean it that way 🙂 I’m referring to the impact when one doesn’t feel loved (or feels very lonely) as a child. Even when one does finally form relationships in adulthood, the brain is still sort of conditioned to the earlier circumstances.

      And yes, I was very well trained. In person I never complain, I don’t swear, or raise my voice. I smile almost constantly and make a particular effort to listen and be aware of other people’s needs. Here I get to let out all the things I make sure not to say in polite company.

      Liked by 1 person

      • coteetcampagne
        December 28, 2017

        At the risk of sounding terribly American (heaven forfend) I know where you are “coming from”. There is enough material in my relationshiops with my mother and sisters for a whole book on child abuse by froideur alone.
        I was trained to oblige also.
        That is, of course, why we seek partners with the particular qualities we had learned to live without for years.
        As long as you weren’t seething under the consummate hosting, I may nervously return with your table one day.

        Liked by 1 person

      • The Pink Agendist
        December 28, 2017

        Ha! 😀
        Do you think a gilding paint effect will match the rest? The original technique is leaf gilding which is then shaded with brown paint creating the design on top of the gilding.

        Like

      • coteetcampagne
        December 28, 2017

        I presumed that it was leaf gilded, but I am confident that quality high content metal paints, blended appropriately, with perfectly matched up overpainting will reproduce the original design to a very good standard.

        I will be taking lots of photos to work with as there is quite a bit of damage to the surface on closet scrutiny, and it is in my nature to be meticulous

        Liked by 1 person

  8. coteetcampagne
    December 28, 2017

    That should read”closer” scrutiny

    Like

  9. Bela Johnson
    December 28, 2017

    My youngest daughter once wrote a brilliant poem in her early 20’s. The last line was something like, ‘are we ever loved enough?’ It’s so odd too, she certainly knew how much she was loved. But emotions are tricky and perceived differently by everyone. My siblings would say “I” was showered with love, as I was mom’s favorite. But I never felt it was enough, and I knew she needed a friend more than anything. So I wonder if we are all this way, some more aware of it than others. Cheers, Pink. Enjoy your new year ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • The Pink Agendist
      December 28, 2017

      But can you break that down? Could you for example say what you experienced was more attention than affection. Or more dependence than kindness?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Bela Johnson
        December 28, 2017

        That’s a hard one, yes – attention vs. affection, likely. Dependence over kindness, certainly – she had a biting sense of humor one did best to avoid. Growing up was like a minefield, though I suspect that’s true for many of us. And it’s difficult to go back in memory, because those memories are a child’s memories however many years later. And children don’t have the most rational or developed minds. It’s all so subjective. I suspect my mother gave me more of what she was able to give anyone, if that clarifies anything at all(!) So back to my statement or Amanda’s (dau), who is ever loved enough? Likely none of us.

        Liked by 1 person

      • The Pink Agendist
        December 29, 2017

        I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately, particularly because of the different reactions I get from my dogs which are all rescues. They don’t do the sophisticated rationalisations we do – but the one who starved, always looks for food. And the one who was beaten always winces if someone raises an arm or their voice. So those emotional memories are real, I think, in humans too.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Bela Johnson
        December 29, 2017

        So I wrote something on my ipad that got deleted. Will try again on my laptop: yes, it’s been well documented that humans somatize emotional pain. Some more than others, no doubt. As part of my holistic counseling practice, I employed deep tissue bodywork on my clients over 20 years. It truly did seem to facilitate release on many levels. As to my own (for lack of a better term) PTSD, I’ve found the same bodywork to be quite effective. So yes, in answer to your comment, emotional memories are quite real, at least in my experience and that of countless others. Aloha.

        Liked by 2 people

  10. Anony Mole
    December 28, 2017

    Remind me to never share a box of doughnuts with you…

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Judi Castille
    December 31, 2017

    I wish I had been a little more cake possessive when I was a child. I am now 50 and still sharing – and being told to stop – one life and all that. The apartment looks great – I think rental is an addiction if its a success. But words of wisdom from your partner – enjoyment should be addictive also. Happy 2018. I will look out for the film in France.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The Pink Agendist
      December 31, 2017

      It is indeed an addiction. Whenever I see a for sale sign on a little block of flats my mind starts doing calculations 😀

      Like

  12. theoccasionalman
    January 1, 2018

    Only once? I think you’re selling yourself short. Or at least, I don’t think the partner you chose is the only one who could possibly care for you. You’re the type of person who can generally get what he wants, and you want him. Which is great, and I’m not trying to diminish anything you have, but I don’t think there’s only one person for any of us.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The Pink Agendist
      January 1, 2018

      I think only once. A couple of my exes were infatuated for a little while, but that was it. I think I’m just not the sort of person who inspires that type of feeling.

      Like

      • theoccasionalman
        January 2, 2018

        I suppose I’m caught in the difference between potential and actuality. I see no reason why you shouldn’t be loved intensely. After all, people have said I’m easy to love, and I’m at least as problematic as you are. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      • The Pink Agendist
        January 2, 2018

        My best guess is people imagine that at some point I’m going to “relax”, which of course never happens.

        Like

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This entry was posted on December 27, 2017 by in art, thinking aloud and tagged , , , , , .
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