Just Merveilleux?

Life at № 42

A day in the crazy; A crazy in the day

June 28th
I woke up at 5am. That means I slept 2 hours and 40 minutes. When I woke up I considered, as I do every day, how many times I’ve had to wake up, and how many more may be still to come. Exhausting. Mike said I’m falling back into my isolationist ways and it’s not good for me- so he cajoled me into accompanying him to Toulouse. I agreed, with the condition I didn’t have to get out of the car.

The landscape was wonderful. Sunflowers everywhere. But I don’t like being far from the house or going to new places. I wore all black, and my slip on shoes with the metal bit. I’ve had them for 19 years.

Viviers-Lès-Montagnes

On the way there were five chateaus I could see from the road. My favourite is in Viviers-Lès-Montagnes. I wondered how much they might be worth; and that made me think of parameters. What’s expensive for one place may be cheap in another. I’ve always had trouble with parameters. That’s in part due to my childhood, but also because of my work, and the people I know. Sometimes I’ll deal with a client who purchases a work of art worth more than I’ll make in a year, or five years.

I think of everything I bought this year to try to decide what my parameters are now. Almost everything was cheap. Sort of. The English Regency desk was a fantastic deal. The Georgian chest as well. Was that this year or last year? I can’t place it. I see my reflection in the window. Not bad. Probably better if I didn’t wear thick black Clark Kent glasses. I remember that in the top right drawer of the Regency desk are unsigned papers. We never made a final decision on what happens to our property if we both die at the same time (like in a car accident.)
We’re both in a car right now. This is not good. And the dogs are alone at home. I knew they should have come with us. I told him so. Or maybe that wasn’t a good idea. Is it better to die in a car accident or from starvation? Surely the police will check on the house if we die in an accident? Is that a thing? Do the police do that? I hope so. The (adult) children will surely step in to take care of the dogs if we die. [two surely’s too close together, funny how the mind works] Won’t they? That should have been the decision. A conditional inheritance. Are conditional inheritances legal? Can you impose any condition? Can you make someone chop off a limb? Can you make a Republican “turn” transgender?

The closer we get to the city, the more cars I see. It’s terrible. We’re surrounded. Traffic. Now we’re stuck. My breathing gets faster. I look around and my head transforms the cars into a scene with ants. Multiple rows of ants, barely moving, all trying to get to the same place because their survival depends on it. No individuals, no personal volition. Eusociality. It’s all mechanic. They’re part of a larger organism. I wonder if I would’ve been happier if I were part of it? Impossible. Would I be content if I were smarter? Thinner? Wealthier? Taller?

Those aren’t ends, they’re means. Tools to (try to) win the Please Love Me game. And all that is, is a primal desire for survival. Or better said, a strategy for survival. Different cars, different clothes, different hair, the illusion of uniqueness and value. I want to go home. I don’t like being away from the dogs. I feel vulnerable. If the ants notice I’m not one of them, they could turn on me. I hate ants. Dirk Bogarde’s partner also hated ants. Dirk was convinced ant poison is what killed him (the partner.)

What would the world look like to someone visiting it for the first time. Not great. [Human] Animals who fabricate identities based mostly on address at the time of birth. Animals who mimic the behaviour of other animals who they believe, often arbitrarily, have the best chances of survival. Many of them carry cross-shaped amulets which they think gives them special powers. Others cover the females of their group in sheets. They’re almost universally bombarded with messages designed to keep them in line, to keep the machine working.

We arrive at the airport. People (in general) are mostly unattractive and badly dressed. I wonder what the exact percentage of attractive to unattractive might be. One in ten? That seems optimistic. I see her and wave. She gets into the car. We can go home! She updates us on everything that’s happened in southern Spain in our absence. Nothing has changed. I feel calm now. When we left Spain, some people didn’t take it well. Including me. By taking a different course, we were calling into question the survival strategy of our group- and of course re-examining our own.

My strategy hasn’t been creative, although I like to tell myself it has. I just looked for the best animals, for the best herd, and I blended in. This is a common technique. We’re going to have a light lunch. Melon and Spanish ham, the good stuff. Should I call it Okja just to be perverse? In 15 hours I’m going to go to bed. Once I put my glasses on the night stand I’m going to think I don’t want to live any more. Then I’m going to think that I also don’t want to die. This happens every night. And then I wake up and days happen all over again.

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25 comments on “A day in the crazy; A crazy in the day

  1. Steve Ruis
    July 13, 2017

    “There are a number of days in which , we just don’t know the number.” This is a common comment of both my partner and I. The uncertainty is to be reveled in, because what would life be like if you knew the number of your days? (You seem to act as if you do, but do not. Interesting.)

    I often feel like a member of an alien species because I do not like what most people like. I can see a beautiful beach right out of my window. I like to walk on it when it is empty, but go when there is a crowd … no. Going anywhere there is a crowd is unpleasant (mostly), I feel like I want to moo like a cow in a herd.

    Evolution hasn’t prepared us well for a life of uncertainty, but I find it refreshing. Want to know what happens when you die? I do not; I just do not want my remains to be a burden on my loved ones. (“Clean up on Aisle 11!”)

    Not knowing allows one a certain detachment. Instead of judging one can simply observe without judgment (practicing not judging is something I need more of).

    I wish you well, my friend, we have met the enemy and it is us!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Tish Farrell
    July 13, 2017

    Such a well written piece, and brave too. But so much anxiety, Mr. M. I recognise much of it. I wonder why some of us feel so acutely ‘non-fitting’ in the world that most people inhabit without a second thought. And does that make us stronger or weaker? The sleep thing is a bummer though. I listen to CDs – people telling stories. Psychologist Tara Bach (one of the people I listen to) – says everyone wakes 8-10 times a night – goes back to our early biological selves, checking all’s well on the plains. But most people are not aware of waking. For some reason others of us have scanners that tell us there’s mischief afoot and we wake up fully. Personally I quite like the approach apparently adopted by the Elizabethan court. Instead of getting depressed in bed, everyone got up at 3 am and had a party.

    Liked by 5 people

    • The Pink Agendist
      July 13, 2017

      The waking up used to make me nervous when I was younger, but I’m used to it now. I tried pills for a while, but that didn’t go well.
      As for unfitting, I don’t know 🙂 My guess is stronger as an individual but weaker as a non-member of a larger organism. There’s great vulnerability in that.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Tish Farrell
        July 13, 2017

        A troublesome paradox then on the stronger-weaker front. But that also makes us all the more interesting 🙂

        Like

  3. makagutu
    July 13, 2017

    Life can be boring sometimes, but it is also filled with moments of ecstasy and moments of gloom.
    Wish you the best, mate. Good cheer and happy times.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Helen Devries
    July 13, 2017

    By taking a different course, we were calling into question the survival strategy of our group- and of course re-examining our own.`

    Leaving France did not make us very popular either…the leaders of the pack do not like questions to be raised about the validity of their choices.

    The security of our animals is something that troubled us…but we have made arrangements. Amazing how much lighter it felt to have something certain.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The Pink Agendist
      July 13, 2017

      I can imagine. People take it very personally. Just under the surface I imagine an alarm rings. Am I right or are they right? Who’s made the best decision for their own survival? How does that affect the group?

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Arkenaten
    July 13, 2017

    I have never considered the prospect of what may happen to the animals should we both be in an accident. How selfish! Helen makes an excellent point. Worth doing something about.
    I am a dreadful sleeper. I can relate so well with you on this, and it seems to be getting worse with age!

    Liked by 1 person

    • The Pink Agendist
      July 13, 2017

      You have family nearby, that’s probably why you haven’t thought about it.
      And as for sleep, thanks for giving me hope for the future 😛

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Hariod Brawn
    July 13, 2017

    Fabulous post, Pink. Last time we spoke I mentioned Mrs Dalloway, and now here you are writing just like Virginia Woolf, only with not so many semi-colons. Anyway, lovely post, most enjoyable. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. appletonavenue
    July 13, 2017

    Lovely post. You have such a beautiful way with words and your honesty is daring for someone who prefers not to leave the house. I am pleased that you did go out, even grudgingly. Hope you’re sleeping better.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The Pink Agendist
      July 13, 2017

      Thank you. The sleep thing is cyclical. I don’t sleep well for days, then I get so tired that I do. I just let it happen without worrying about it now 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. kjennings952
    July 14, 2017

    People (in general) are mostly unattractive and badly dressed. [My favorite line!]

    We’ve made elaborate arrangements for our tragic simultaneous deaths–what happens to the kids and all the “stuff”. But recently Matt asked me what happens if I die first, do I want to be cremated or trapped in a box?

    “Wait until the cats die (they’re 8), then distribute their ashes, my ashes and the ashes of our previous 2 cats on Kauai, Key West, Grand Cayman and Sanibel/Captiva.” It seemed perfectly logical to make my death expensive and inconvenient.

    -Crazy cat lady who generally dreads humanity but fears being alone

    Liked by 1 person

    • The Pink Agendist
      July 14, 2017

      Fantastic! In France ashes must be disposed of in designated places… So you wouldn’t be allowed to do that if you were here. Isn’t that terrible?

      Liked by 1 person

      • I know that is not true. A friend of mine died and her ashes are scattered in France. The widower had a friend in France and he helped him. The guy in France called a Funeral Home to verify that it was legal, and it is legal to just spread the ashes as long as it is private property. My friends ashes are scattered in the hills overlooking the bay of Cannes, not positive they got permission from the land owners, I can’t remember that detail, but I do remember the detail about calling the funeral home and about it being legal on private property.

        Like

      • The Pink Agendist
        August 18, 2017

        I’m reasonably familiar with the laws here 🙂
        Look up the 19th December 2008 – Law n°2008-1350 (LOI SUEUR) ARTICLE 16. It says: The new law gives four options in which ashes can be housed or disposed of; in a garden of remembrance, a tomb, a columbarium or scattered in a place that the deceased person requested before their death, this request however must be made to the local town hall at the birth place of the deceased before the ashes are scattered.

        Like

  9. acflory
    July 14, 2017

    Had to take the Offspring to emergency a couple of nights ago and left the dog locked in the house. After the inital panic wore off, my mind kept circling around the fact that I hadn’t taken her [the dog] for her normal night time pee walk. What would happen if I didn’t get back for a day? two?
    Got home at 6am and dog was fine, hadn’t peed in the house and was just very glad to see me. Most of our fears are self-inflicted. That said, you’ve got me worried about the animals now… 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • The Pink Agendist
      July 14, 2017

      Self-inflicted and rarely well measured. And also sometimes completely misrepresented. Because I don’t like being away from the dogs, I say they don’t like me to be away for very long 😀 That takes the responsibility away from me and places it somewhere where no argument can be had.

      Liked by 1 person

      • acflory
        July 14, 2017

        Ah…now you’re talking real honesty. The thing is, I don’t think human beings are capable of too much honesty, even to themselves. Okay, especially to themselves. I think that’s why most of us have such vivid imaginations. It’s a survival mechanism, but like everything, it has to be balanced by real honesty every now and then.

        Thing is, you can’t drive your friends away so you have to ask yourself, is your self image at the moment really real, or does it have to be balanced in the opposite direction? We like you Pinky. -hugs-

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Bela Johnson
    July 14, 2017

    Good stream of consciousness writing.

    Like

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This entry was posted on July 13, 2017 by in thinking aloud and tagged , , .
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