Life at № 42 by E.M. Coutinho
In my many years out, I’ve been conducting entirely non-scientific (anti-scientific, even) research to identify and inform society of the many species of gaymen they may come into contact with during their lives. My findings conclude we are divided into eight different species:
Ingenugay (pronounced engine-you-gay) has just come out of the closet wearing pink-tinted sunglasses and a tiara made of daisies. He’s radiant, he’s innocent, he’s In-gen-u-gay. He thinks all the other gays are his friends. Wake-UP!!! All they want is to get you into bed first. You’re fresh meat. They don’t want your flower tiara they just want to de-flower you. Ingenugay is more of a phase than a species. One day he ends up on youtube crying, with his mascara running down his cheeks as he realizes he’s no longer Ingenugay and has to move into one of the other categories.
Tipigay is the most common category. He’s sweet & fun. He doesn’t watch sports but has a crush on Tom Brady. He’s well dressed, good looking and women everywhere consider him their best girl-friend (who just happens to have a penis). You can take him to dinner with your parents and your mom will just love him. Your father will tell you he barely noticed the guy was gay. He’s a natural born agony aunt and women far and wide call him for relationship advice in the middle of the night and fashion advice during the day. He loves to go shopping with his girlfriends.
Cruella de Gay
Cruella is mad and out for blood!!! He didn’t respond well to his Ingenugay break-up. He keeps a hanky in his pocket to wipe the venom away from the corners of his mouth after he speaks, otherwise it would corrode his own skin. The only time Cruella stops spewing evil is when he’s got a penis in his mouth. Beware, you might be his next victim, he’s got an eye on your boyfriend (even if you happen to be a straight girl.) Never leave your boyfriend alone with him and make sure to watch your drink so he doesn’t slip something into it! Physically, this variety tends to be thinner and taller than the others. They also generally end up writing blogs about celebrities.
There aren’t noticeable physical characteristic for this specimen, he comes in all shapes and sizes. The one identifiable trait is his high pitched voice, particularly when he says words that end in OUS. Fabulous, marvellous, fantabulous, glamorous, überfabulous. He’s also prone to referring to himself and other gay men as she/her. His arms move around so much when he speaks he could probably power a generator. The only two women he loves are Cher and his mother.
As if straight men didn’t have a tough time already, here comes Athletigay. He spends more time doing exercise than most people spend awake. Females gasp when they find out he’s gay and mutter “what a waste”. Suburban women fantasize about him when their fat husbands touch them in bed . AthletiGays are usually a little homophobic, they don’t mix with other categories and only socialize and sleep with other AthletiGays. They are obsessed with being “straight-acting” and end up living in the suburbs where they go on bike rides and hike with their adopted children.
The Protegay has watched All About Eve way too many times. He’s observant and knows just what to say to get into your life. He’s characterized by incessant flirtation. If it has a wallet, he’ll flirt with it. He’s also characterized by arriving at your door-step in the evening with two suitcases and a sob-story. Beware, the Protegay does not discriminate by sexual orientation when he’s choosing one of his victims. He might come in the form of a butler to a wealthy lady (Ask Doris Duke), or he might be the younger guy who’s soooooo impressed by your career. He organizes his own clothes by colour. When he asks to organize your clothes by colour, say no, move to another city and change your cell phone number. If you’re already straddled with a Protegay, make sure he doesn’t have access to the IV by your deathbed.
Denial O. Gay
Denial O. Gay is of the closeted variety. Closeted in that he wrongly believes nobody thinks he’s gay. At night he stands in front of the mirror practicing his straight face, straight smile, straight laugh, straight scowl. When he goes out, he always has a lady on his arm. He has a boyfriend who he met on grindr who he introduces to people as his colleague, but his boyfriend is never invited to his birthdays. His porn collection is bigger than any of the other species. He’s also into kinky casual sex, but has to drive hours away from home to get it. He wouldn’t risk being outed! What he doesn’t realize is that everyone and his mother know he’s gay. Straight men didn’t cry after every single episode of Oprah’s last season and don’t squeal when they’re watching America’s Next Top Model.
Gayd E. Nial
This species is similar to the previous species as they’re neighbours at numbers 23 and 24 on Closet Lane, Short Hills, NJ. The main difference is however that Gayd E. Nial is married, religious and a registered republican. Denial O. Gay says he’s a republican but actually votes democrat. This species also has a propensity towards public homophobia whilst having a gay porn collection almost as large as the previous species. They only have gay sex when travelling and tend to do it in airport bathroom stalls or with rent-boys. This species is quite common in Catholic and Muslim countries and in conservative circles worldwide.
Now I couldn’t write a post about Gayman types without mentioning the Susans. Every individual Gayman and every individual gay bar has a Sue. She’s trapped in a vicious circle. She hasn’t had a boyfriend in years but she only goes out to gay clubs and only has gaymen as friends. She lives vicariously through gaymen and is a little bit too interested in the details of our sex-lives. When she gets drunk she gets handsy. Susans are invariably overweight and often depressed, but gaymen everywhere tell her she looks fab, so she doesn’t feel the need to go on a diet or take Prozac. As she ages she starts collecting cats and will eventually appear on an episode of Animal Cops: Detroit, when her neighbours start complaining the smell emanating from her home is unbearable.
If I’ve left anyone out, or your own non-scientific research has led you to identify other species of Gaymen, please, do share!